I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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