The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
