please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize