i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
