Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
