Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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