you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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