Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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