My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
