Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
