my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
