I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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