I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
