so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
