I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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