i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
