Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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