I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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