I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
