rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
