i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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