Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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