UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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