look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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