I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
