He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
