I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry about my life...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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