I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
