a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
