a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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