i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
