He uses pillows to masturbate.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize