found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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