Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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