I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
