I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
