um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
