I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize