I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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