I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
