I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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