I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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