First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
