guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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