i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
