bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can Purell be used as lube?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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