i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
