My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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