his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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