Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
