My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize