He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Randomize
