She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
