Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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