his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
