words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
