I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
