I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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