Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
