o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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