I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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