My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
