You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just puked most of my soul out..
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
