I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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