the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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